“How does your therapist make you feel better?” A good friend, curious about the therapy process, asked me.

It was at that moment that I realised that a lot of people have a misconception that psychotherapy is like going to a spa where the therapist creates an environment and provides services that make one feel relaxed and pampered.

I suppose there are some truths in my friend’s assumption. I’ve been in and out of therapy with public and private health providers, in Singapore and Switzerland. The setup at the clinics are usually quite discreet, quiet and comfortable. Some private providers with a budget even have essential oil diffusers (free aromatherapy?) and a range of hot beverages made available for clients. Public providers will at least provide a water dispenser and air conditioning.

At the beginning, the therapist, either a psychologist or counsellor, spends time getting to know the client, trying to put the client at ease. Because therapy work is not a walk in the park. In the space with relative physical comfort, the therapist would then hold a psychological space for the client to talk about their thoughts and feelings on matters that are important to them and probably causing them some form of distress. Yes, you may notice that therapy rooms, high or low budget, are usually well-stocked with tissue paper.

After some form of therapeutic alliance has been established, the therapist may even gently confront the client with discrepancies that they observe. I don’t know about you, but I don’t like to be called out by people. But with someone I trust to know me well enough and has my interest in mind, I am willing to consider their observations of my inconsistencies.

Having been on both sides of the therapy process, as a client and a counsellor, I noticed that the therapist-client relationship is one of a kind. The therapist is not a friend or a family member—it would be a breach of ethics. Yet, the said therapist may be privy to the clients’ inner world in ways that even the closest friends and family members cannot be present. 

Recently, a client whom I’ve been working with for a little more than a year told me that I’m closer to her than her BFF. It really made my day to know that my efforts to hold that safe psychological space for her made her feel seen and heard in ways that others in her life cannot. It’s interesting for me to note that I’ve only spent about 15 clinical hours with her. The intentionality and psychological safety that counselling accords makes a difference.

If you are making a decision whether to seek psychotherapy, it’s good for you to know that therapy is more like going to the gym than a spa. In the space between your therapist and you, there will be resistance, endurance and cardio training. You may feel tired and achy after the session, but in the long run, having your thoughts and emotions processed goes a long way to better mental health. You may even find the motivation and energy to hit the actual gym.